There are times when everyone struggles with self-identification, but a widow and widower suffer the most as we’ve had our entire identity snatched from us in an instant. The foundation of our life goals has crumbled underneath us. We no longer are wife, best friend, soulmate, but have been bestowed the label of Widow. It’s time to rediscover your self identity – you are more than a widow.
Your Identity Has Crumbled Away
It’s truly heartbreaking, but the life you once had died with your spouse. It stopped breathing at the same exact moment your loved one did. The world collapsed, and you were thrust into a new unknown persona. It takes some time to let the shock wear off, but when it does you realize what you now are: a widow.
The feelings that come with this are tumultuous. You were proud to call yourself a beloved wife and partner. Now you’re forced to carry a role you never wanted, and struggle to learn what changes this means for you and your self-identity.
We’ve all gone through many transitions in our lives: infant, child, teenager, young adult and then adult. Eventually you marry, become a mother or father, but now you’re left adrift as a widow.
All of these identities were expected. Most even celebrated. But now, that sense of self, that sense of pride has vanished. You are no longer tethered to those past identities of infant, child, the teenager, the young adult. You’re no longer a wife. You’re no longer a husband. Now you are a widow or widower. It’s completely overwhelming.
Self Identify As A Widow
It’s difficult to talk to people who ask, “Who are you? What is your marital status?”
Reality hits hard whenever you need to fill out an official form, like a bank application or a form for your kids’ school. There’s often not a check-mark for widow. When it’s missing, it can be upsetting. There are check-marks for being single or divorced, but there is no check-mark for widow.
I became obsessed with this because it was something that was very, very important to me. Being a widow was my current identity, as it probably is for you as well.
You’re going through such a life change right now. You’re alone.
Being a widow or widower is something that I would not want anyone to go through, but you are going through this. So the question is, how do you now self identify it?
Your identity of being a widow or widower can be something that is very soothing to hang on to because it attaches you to your past. It is the one thing that also says to other people that your life has changed. You might look the same, but inside and fundamentally you have changed.
You loved, you loved hard.
And now you are a widow.
Redefining Your Identity
Your spouse is gone, and by hanging on to this title of a widow or widower you are remembering them. It can be become a very safe, sacred space. To coddle your self as a widow lets you hang onto your past life, even as you try to mitigate this new life without them.
The thing is, you need to remember that you are so much more than that. You are a mother, you are a creator, you are a friend and co-worker and a force to be reckoned with. What else do you have inside of you? What parts of you do you really need to hang on your dead spouse? What parts can you discard?
Do you like reading? Going for walks? Are there YouTube videos or Netflix shows that you watch now? What you are doing now is redefining your identity.
You are more than just a widow. You need to self-identify again using what has always been important to you. This is so vital because your way through grief depends on it.
But now I want to challenge you. You are more than that. You are more than just a widow or widower. You’re more than someone who has lost somebody.
You are more than a child, a teenager and young adult.
You are more than a married person.
You are more than a widow.
You are a survivor.
You are also someone who is going to take life’s reins in hand.
Next Steps Forward
You’re going to create a new identity for yourself. There is so much still in you. There’s so much still in you to create a new identity.
You need to take five minutes tomorrow, tonight, the next day, to sit down and write down five things that are important to you. Five things that make you feel who you are. Not a widower, not a wife, not a mother, not a child. You.
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Everyday you need to take time to self-reflect and realize that you were bigger than all this, that their life does not stop here. That being a widow is not your end. There is something inside you that needs to go forth. There’s something inside you that needs to find more.
This is what you have to do. You have to go for long walks. You have to exercise. You have to write every day. You need to free-associate in your head everyday and let it out.
You need to figure out what you are now. Who you are fully as a person. You have to self identify again. You’re not a widow anymore, honey. You’re more than that. Let that go.
Learn From Me
I’d like you to know that I have tapped into my own years of processing, and the experiences of others to develop a program that can help you find yourself again. To find that beacon of life in you to go forth and find your own journey.
I can’t tell you what that journey is. I cannot explain to you what that is – yet. Not until you’re ready to step into your new life with the memories of your beloved supporting you.
You need to find that beacon of life in you to go forth and find your own journey. Your journey is unique, and is inside you. You can do it on your own, but if you’re willing I can walk beside you and emphasize because I’ve been there.
I can deal with all that tough stuff that no one else can. Your friends and family try, but they can’t really help because they can’t identify with you.
I don’t know exactly you or your situation, but I’d love to learn. I am able to listen to your unique situation, and help you out.
I’d like to know if you want to go forward, you need to find that self identification.
Think on it.
Figure this out.
You are not a widow anymore. You’re not just a mother. You’re not just a parent. You’re not just someone. You are a lover. You are the liver of life. You are everything that you can create for yourself. Take everything that’s in part of you. And re-imagine it. Recreate this in your own image. Okay?
You’ve got this. I’ve got you.
Please. If you need help at any time, give me a DM. I got ya.